I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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