I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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