My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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