Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
