dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
