his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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