You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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