im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i would punch a child for taco bell
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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