how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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