I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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