Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
