I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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