Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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