so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
