I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
