The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
