Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
