I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
