Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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