At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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