Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
whose parrot is this?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize