What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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