I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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