I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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