yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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