What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
