i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
