New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
