Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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