I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
