I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
