Sorry, I don't speak sober.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
