im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
