the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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