It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
