I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she peed on how many people?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
