Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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