I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
