Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize