she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
did i just pee glitter
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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