he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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