I am puke
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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