when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
