some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
