i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
