My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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