got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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