Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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