Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
