Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
