i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I cut my penus on the lid.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You are the jesus of drinking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
