How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
