It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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