When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
