ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
