youre lurking in front of me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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