Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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