nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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