apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
