I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
