so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
